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I personally think the"honorable mention" should have been the winner.
Results Are In: The 2008 Darwin Awards
Seeded on Fri May 30, 2008 1:43 PM EDT
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I love the darwin awards and am very happy that Darwinism is still functioning.
Forest
- 9 votes
#1 - Fri May 30, 2008 2:41 PM EDTDarwinism is still functioning.
That's right: even in this safety-capped, warning-labeled, frivolous-lawsuit, lowest-common-denominator world, the mighty forces of natural selection are still at work.
- 9 votes
I remember finding these things funny at one point in my life. But I can't see laughing over a poor guy just trying to take care of a zoo animal, a guy who got stuck just trying to retrieve his car keys, or a stock broker committing suicide. Fourth and third are somewhat funny, but fourth almost certainly involved drinking and ass-hole "friends" needling a guy.
The dynamite one was funny. WTF are people in their late 40s doing playing around with a stick of dynamite in a moving vehicle? More surprisingly though, they made it to their late 40s...so, I guess congratulations are in order.
The runner up is most disturbing in that there were supposedly at least 10 men were around and none of them thought to stop the guy from jumping.
- 6 votes
#3 - Fri May 30, 2008 5:11 PM EDTO.M.G. I loved every one of these.
I'm glad I didn't have to do the ranking.
- 3 votes
#5 - Fri May 30, 2008 8:41 PM EDTWith you on the honorable mention. I can almost hear the conversation playing in my head as I read it. It's very short and sweet (as in my mind, they are clearly stoned off their gourds):
Girl: I'm bored.
Guy: Well, I got just the thing for ya.
Girl: What's this?
Guy: It's a flare. My buddy Joe gave it to me for emergencies. Just light it and watch the sparks.
>>brief pause while Guy nearly drives off the road watching the pretty colors<<
BOOM
I just can't stop laughing...
- 8 votes
#6 - Fri May 30, 2008 9:43 PM EDTAn olive oil enema? I wouldn't have gone near that pachyderm. Which one is Dumbo?
- 8 votes
#7 - Fri May 30, 2008 10:33 PM EDTWalt, this seed is off.
It's off by 10 years. I knew I'd heard that elephant thing before, and I felt bad for the guy too SuperUnspecial. Looks like the Darwin Awards don't even claim it to be true.
- 3 votes
#9 - Fri May 30, 2008 11:04 PM EDTAk! It seems you may be correct but, thankfully, in my research (Which took 15 seconds) I came across a 2008 nominee for the coveted Double Darwin:
Three hale and hearty young men had finished their basic training. Before heading out to their respective assignments, they decided to spend their few days of leave with one's grandmother, who lived in the town where they had completed basic training. The privates descended upon Grandmother, who filled them with home cooking and gave them soft beds to sleep in. Grandmother had a swing job to make ends meet, so the privates were left alone late into the night.
How could they repay her for her kindness?
Grandmother had three children. To commemorate the birth of each child, a pine tree had been planted in the front yard. In the fifty years since the last tree was planted, the pines had grown considerably, and the middle tree now blocked the view from the living room window. The privates decided that they would cut down that tree, letting the sun and the view into the room.
A case of beer went into the planning.
To keep the 50-foot tree from crushing the house, the privates reasoned that they would tie a rope to the top of the tree and pull the rope away from the house as the tree was cut.
The middle pine tree, the doomed one, was slightly closer to the house than the other two. The privates climbed an end tree, wound a rope through its upper branches, and threw the rope to a private in the middle tree. He tied the rope around the trunk. By this device, they could pull the rope from the ground. The middle pine tree would fall away from the house, and the privates were also clear of the path of the falling tree.
Climbing a pine tree is very sappy work, and scrapes and gouges are infliced by the natural roughness of its bark. But the hale and hearty privates completed the preliminaries without complaint. The middle tree was lassoed and levered by the rope running through the end tree.
So far, so good.
Two privates were situated on the ground, each straining to pull the tree away from Grandmother's house. The third private revved his 20 HP chainsaw and started to cut. Lo and behold, the tree actually fell away from Grandmother's house! However...
The rope-pulling privates had wrapped the rope around their waists, not considering that the falling pine weighed several tons. As the middle pine tree fell, both privates were ripped off their feet and smashed through the branches of the end pine tree. At the height of their acceleration, they broke through the top branches of the tree, and were briefly airborne before being jerked toward the earth when the middle tree hit the ground. The privates entered into Darwin history, either on the way up through the branches or on the way down to the cold, hard ground.
The event spoke for itself.
- 11 votes
Excellent.
The sick, humorous and demented idea of reveling in Darwin awards has never been expressed better or more timely. Priceless. Thanks for the special moment. lol
- 5 votes
Thank you, Walt. Some times I suspect I am not as bright as I would like to be, but reading these tidbits cheered me right up.
- 3 votes
#10 - Sat May 31, 2008 9:32 AM EDTDid you know notice that all the winners were male? OK, there was a female co-winner--the one with the dynamite.
- 2 votes
#11 - Sat May 31, 2008 11:27 AM EDTExcellent
I was feeling smug at first - thinking that I am at least smarter than 10 people - then I remembered that most of them are now dead. I just dropped closer to the bottom of the list.
- 6 votes
#12 - Sat May 31, 2008 3:54 PM EDTThe sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.
This has me in tears... Try to actually visualize this, or better yet, being the one to find Mr. Riesfeldt!
- 1 vote
#13 - Sat May 31, 2008 4:20 PM EDTin my surveying career, i did have the pleasure of watching a fellow crewman climb a tree with a medium-sized chain saw to cut a limb that was blocking the line of sight of the surveying instrument. the offending limb, and the crewman were about 20 feet up...yea, you guessed it...despite repeated attempts to reason with an idiot, the guy cuts the limb off, of which he was on the wrong side of. the limb, the chain saw, and the idiot hit the ground just as predicted, and almost at the same time, mind you. once we had him conscious again, we asked him why chose to ignore our warnings. if i'm lying, i'm dying.. he said he thought we were talking about a limb on the other side of the tree!!!! we were laughing so hard, we forgot to ask him how that bit of reasoning(?) came to him to begin with. i wonder what ever happened to him?
luv,
ron
- 4 votes
#14 - Sat May 31, 2008 5:48 PM EDTAmazing, .... I think the "honorable mention", was an easy tie. I wonder if the zoo had vido cams. Maybe show up on FHV.
- 1 vote
#15 - Sat May 31, 2008 9:20 PM EDTHonorable mention was the best one.
I must admit that once I was driving and smoking with the window up (it was raining really hard) and I went to ash it and slammed my hand into the closed window which caused the cigarette to fly out of my hand and into my mouth, cherry-end first and burnt my tongue. In pain I proceeded to almost send the car into a skid by jerking the wheel to one side. Luckily, I managed not wreck the car.
- 5 votes
#16 - Sat May 31, 2008 11:59 PM EDTThanks,
It is because of these awards my day is off to a more relaxed state. And I think I make mistakes?
Good seed.)
- 2 votes
#17 - Sun Jun 1, 2008 11:30 AM EDTI've been watching these awards for a decade and I'm not sure they are true, so I'll give one of my favorites that I know isn't true and then one that is.
There was this guy (dumb@!$%#) who decided that he needed to get a pick-me-up for his mustang, since he had access to an air force base he decided that adding on a JATO rocket would do excellently.
Now a JATO rocket is an interesting piece of gear. It's essentially an add on rocket for large planes that are somewhat overloaded and further allows the DC2's or other cargo planes of it's ilk to take off. Essentially it's a ridiculously powerful rocket that helps for takeoff. The tell to this story is that if you put a JATO rocket on your car it would just destroy it on the spot.
Back to the story, this guy (dumbass) installed his JATO rocket onto his mustand and then went out to some flat stretch of road in the desert to give his design a go.
Investigators found what had happened by tracing the steps of the car after the JATO had been set off to give his car a little chutzpah what they found was telling in the last moments of the drivers life. The car it seemed was already going 90 miles per hour when he kicked in the JATO and immediately punched his speed up to 240 miles per hour. About a half a mile before a curve in the road was coming up he decided to hit his brakes which tore off his tires within 100 yards. It was at this point the gentlemen went airborn, and as cars aren't generally meant for flying he began to spin round and round. He then passed over the curb of the road out over a canyon and smashed into the other side leaving a smooth crater in the other side.
They discovered his identity by searching the newly made crater and checked what was left of the steering wheel and found the tiniest bit of enamel embedded into the steering wheel.
As I read one of the first series of Darwin award I believe it was runner up, but just picturing the guy @!$%#ting a cat when he hit the brakes and the tires burned right off and then airborne spinning round and round screaming his head off just made me laugh my ass off.
I'll hit the true one on a later post as this went on far too long....screaming maniacally.
Forest
- 4 votes
#18 - Tue Jun 3, 2008 8:24 PM EDTForest,
This wasn't true?
- 3 votes
#19 - Wed Jun 4, 2008 2:32 PM EDTAfraid not, not only is it not possible to secure one, they would be missed, but it's just functionally not able to work at all as the car couldn't hold the weight, but you couldn't get it to fit.
Forest
- 4 votes
I guess I was thinking it was a small rocket? No one ever said I had smarts in the tech house.
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