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WALT D

Now with 25% more adjectives and hyphens. 10% less give-a-@!$%#
Articles Posted: 112  Links Seeded: 76
Member Since: 1/2006  Last Seen: 12/28/2011

Santa Thinks You're A Douche. (the Fifth Funny Day of Christmas)

Thu Dec 17, 2009 6:11 PM EST
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By Walt D

Live Poll

Santa Thinks You're A Douche.

View Results
  • 75308
    Am not.
    43%
  • 75309
    Sez you.
    29%
  • 75310
    Shut up!
    14%
  • 75311
    You're the douche! *sob*
    0%
  • 75312
    Santa knows best.
    0%
  • 75313
    Waaaaaah!
    14%

VoteTotal Votes: 7

Ho ho ho!

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Ho ho ho!

Come here and sit on Santa's lap, little one. My, how big you have gotten! Ho ho! Tell Santa what you want for Christmas. Oh, ho ho! What's that? You want a _________? Ho ho ho!

Well, little one, Santa can't do that.

Don't be sad (ho.). Hmmm? A lump of coal? Why Santa would never give you a lump of coal, my young friend (ho ho) because you might burn it, thereby providing life-sustaining heat and possibly prolonging your pathetic existence. Ho ho! For you see, Santa thinks you're a douche.

Ho ho ho!

Why the long face? (ho ho). It's probably not your fault. Your parents were probably asshats as well so (oh ho) you never had a chance. Ho ho hooo! All your friends are douchebags too. Ho!

Santa keeps a list and checks it often. Sometimes twice. And you have been very very naughty. Please don't cry. Ho ho. Seriously...(ho)..look at what you do: blathering your semi-formed spoonfed "opinions" to the world while a Greek chorus of like-minded douchetards cheers you on. That's very very naughty. It's even naughtier that the opinions you espouse were forcibly downloaded into the tinkertoy meat calculator that passes for your brain while you basked in the glow of your computer monitor and a grotesquely inflated sense of self-importance (ho ho). Still, you were complicit in your Manchurean candidization by virtue of the fact that you mistake blind tribal ideoloyalty for creative thought. And that is really naughty, young one. Ho hoho. Have you ever encountered a differing viewpoint that you so much as considered briefly before drowning it in a fetid vat of semisnarky sarcastic cerebral sputum? Have you ever even examined your own viewpoint, traced its origins, established its validity or lack thereof? Have you ever pondered information that didn't fit perfectly into your third party dictated, predetermined worldview? Have you ever examined your Self?

Someone has to be wrong. What if it's you?

Ho.

You are a douche. No toys for you this Christmas. No no, don't interrupt Santa or try to shout him down...that sort of behavior is what made you a douche in the first place.

Now get off Santa's lap before he shows you what a Yule log feels like. Ho ho ho!

Next?

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LaeF1

the tinkertoy meat calculator that passes for your brain

you mistake blind tribal ideoloyalty for creative thought

my favorite phrases in the article / almost vague enough and hidden by large enough words for those you are targeting to not know wtf you are talking about. ?

You are a douche.

Your parents were probably asshats as well

but not those ones. :-)

  • 9 votes
Reply#1 - Thu Dec 17, 2009 6:38 PM EST
Walt D

my favorite phrases in the article / almost vague enough and hidden by large enough words for those you are targeting to not know wtf you are talking about. ?

If you think the article is about you, it probably is, to quote Carly Simon.

  • 7 votes
#1.1 - Thu Dec 17, 2009 8:04 PM EST
Reply
rwarner

I haven't done any trolling, so when I sit on Santa's lap what will *I* get?

Oh, yeah...and all my opinions are really, really good ;)

  • 8 votes
#2 - Thu Dec 17, 2009 6:57 PM EST
lauhal

A small surprise? ;0

  • 9 votes
#2.1 - Thu Dec 17, 2009 7:01 PM EST
Walt D

I haven't done any trolling, so when I sit on Santa's lap what will *I* get?

Hours of nonstop shrieks, grunts and moans. You might make a sound too.

  • 7 votes
#2.2 - Thu Dec 17, 2009 8:07 PM EST
Synthesis

Your stocking stuffed?

  • 7 votes
#2.3 - Thu Dec 17, 2009 10:10 PM EST
lauhal

Your kris kringled?

  • 8 votes
#2.4 - Thu Dec 17, 2009 10:33 PM EST
Synthesis

Your chimney swept?

  • 7 votes
#2.5 - Thu Dec 17, 2009 10:40 PM EST
lauhal

Your gift wrapped?

  • 9 votes
#2.6 - Thu Dec 17, 2009 10:42 PM EST
Synthesis

Your eggs nogged?

  • 8 votes
#2.7 - Thu Dec 17, 2009 10:43 PM EST
lauhal

Your package delivered?

  • 9 votes
#2.8 - Thu Dec 17, 2009 10:44 PM EST
Synthesis

Your reindeer gamed?

  • 8 votes
#2.9 - Thu Dec 17, 2009 10:45 PM EST
lauhal

Your ho ho hoed?

  • 8 votes
#2.10 - Thu Dec 17, 2009 10:45 PM EST
Synthesis

A pear tree in your partridge?

  • 8 votes
#2.11 - Thu Dec 17, 2009 10:47 PM EST
lauhal

Your North Poled?

  • 8 votes
#2.12 - Thu Dec 17, 2009 10:47 PM EST
Synthesis

Your bells jingled?

  • 8 votes
#2.13 - Thu Dec 17, 2009 10:48 PM EST
lauhal

Your mistle toed?

  • 8 votes
#2.14 - Thu Dec 17, 2009 10:49 PM EST
Synthesis

Bwaaahahaha.

OK. I can't keep a straight face any longer.

You win.

(I'll be over with your present in a jiff....)

  • 7 votes
#2.15 - Thu Dec 17, 2009 10:50 PM EST
lauhal

Woooohoooo!

  • 7 votes
#2.16 - Thu Dec 17, 2009 10:50 PM EST
Synthesis

Make sure you put your stockings on.

Er.....up....

  • 6 votes
#2.17 - Thu Dec 17, 2009 10:52 PM EST
lauhal

heh

How you doing, Synth?

  • 6 votes
#2.18 - Thu Dec 17, 2009 10:53 PM EST
rwarner

A small surprise? ;0

A Yule log that they could use to make giant viking ships!!

You might make a sound too.

oh, aye! Or two ;0}

  • 5 votes
#2.19 - Thu Dec 17, 2009 10:54 PM EST
lauhal

Go Vikings! woooohoooo! Well, since the Bears suck so bad and I've always liked Favre...

Robin - Just don't get arrested for disturbing the neighbors!

  • 6 votes
#2.20 - Thu Dec 17, 2009 10:55 PM EST
Synthesis

I'm doing good, Lau...but not as good as some on this thread, from the sounds of it...!

  • 5 votes
#2.21 - Thu Dec 17, 2009 10:57 PM EST
rwarner

We live in the middle of the forest. There are no neighbors. YAAAYYY, me!!

  • 7 votes
#2.22 - Thu Dec 17, 2009 11:00 PM EST
Walt D

Please don't let them make boats out of my penis.

  • 8 votes
#2.23 - Fri Dec 18, 2009 12:07 AM EST
Noah BradleyDeleted
winsomecowboy

The only thing standing between the young family being swept to their deaths before the sudden flash flood before them was Walts penis. A smaller man might have hesitated, [or a larger man for that matter, size isn't everything you know] but in an instant Walt had severed his penis and made an ark.

  • 8 votes
#2.25 - Fri Dec 18, 2009 7:04 PM EST
Synthesis

That was very circumspect of him.

  • 5 votes
#2.26 - Fri Dec 18, 2009 9:39 PM EST
djd

Circumlocution at its best.

  • 3 votes
#2.27 - Sat Dec 19, 2009 12:35 PM EST
rwarner

See, you guys totally get it:) This is exactly why women generally use Walt's penis in pairs.

  • 6 votes
#2.28 - Sat Dec 19, 2009 12:46 PM EST
Synthesis

Walt's penis deserves its own Newsvine column.

  • 4 votes
#2.29 - Sat Dec 19, 2009 1:44 PM EST
lauhal

I'm getting one of those bracelets...WWWPD. (What Would Walt's Penis Do?)

  • 6 votes
#2.30 - Sat Dec 19, 2009 1:47 PM EST
hemphill

This is exactly why women generally use Walt's penis in pairs.

Wow Walt, sounds like shifting seaboards has been really good for you... Congrats.

  • 4 votes
#2.31 - Sat Dec 19, 2009 4:18 PM EST
Reply
lauhal

Someone pissed on Santa's Wheaties!

  • 9 votes
Reply#3 - Thu Dec 17, 2009 6:59 PM EST
LaeF1

Blitzen did it!

  • 7 votes
#3.1 - Thu Dec 17, 2009 7:42 PM EST
lauhal

I always knew he was the rotten one!

  • 5 votes
#3.2 - Thu Dec 17, 2009 10:32 PM EST
Uncle Nick

It was only after Rudolf shat in Blitzen's oats...

Blitzen:
Is this granola in my feedbag???

  • 4 votes
#3.3 - Fri Dec 18, 2009 12:30 AM EST
Reply
magz

No gift? Forget Target, you couldn't hall your lame ass to Wal-Mart even? Not even a discount birthday card from Hallmark? I am stealing your reindeer to spit roast for X'mas.

  • 3 votes
Reply#4 - Fri Dec 18, 2009 12:47 AM EST
Walt D

Ho ho ho! Santa has an extra special gift for you this year, my little grinch (hint: that's not a Zagnut in your stocking).

  • 4 votes
#4.1 - Fri Dec 18, 2009 12:52 AM EST
magz

Take your reindeer poop and send it back to the north Pole.

I want my Zhu Zhu Pet hamster. Now.

  • 3 votes
#4.2 - Fri Dec 18, 2009 1:20 PM EST
Walt D

Take your reindeer poop

Shows what you know. It's an elf turd.

  • 6 votes
#4.3 - Fri Dec 18, 2009 6:04 PM EST
Reply
Walt D

The first funny day of christmas.

The second.

The third.

The fourth.

  • 4 votes
Reply#5 - Fri Dec 18, 2009 6:01 PM EST
Walt D

Look everyone! A poll!

  • 3 votes
Reply#6 - Sat Dec 19, 2009 5:44 PM EST
rwarner

I suppose everybody needs a poll.

  • 4 votes
#6.1 - Sat Dec 19, 2009 6:12 PM EST
Noah BradleyDeleted
Reply
Trog-221687

brilliant.

  • 4 votes
Reply#7 - Sun Dec 20, 2009 5:34 PM EST
Noah BradleyDeleted
Reply
Trog-221687

  • 5 votes
Reply#8 - Sun Dec 20, 2009 5:37 PM EST
Walt D

Exactly what I was thinking.

  • 5 votes
#8.1 - Mon Dec 21, 2009 12:21 AM EST
winsomecowboy

How can you tell?

  • 5 votes
#8.2 - Mon Dec 21, 2009 4:41 AM EST
LaeF1
  • 6 votes
#8.3 - Mon Dec 21, 2009 6:33 PM EST
Noah BradleyDeleted
Synthesis

Certainly more substantial.

  • 6 votes
#8.5 - Mon Dec 21, 2009 10:40 PM EST
Trog-221687

1% of discussions are still intelligent? Point me to them.

  • 3 votes
#8.6 - Fri Dec 25, 2009 3:20 AM EST
Noah BradleyDeleted
Reply
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